you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
