she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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