u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
