Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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