I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
