I'm so fucking centered right now
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
