No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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