It's Friday. Sex?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
