how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
