That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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