Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You're a waste of cheezeits
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
