I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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