Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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