I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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