i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
