8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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