he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
