hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
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I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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