he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
