Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
