It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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