I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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