I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
