Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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