why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
