As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
My breasts were aching with rage.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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