i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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