I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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