Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
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He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
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I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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