if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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