I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
