dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
