Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
