dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
