Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
