that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
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Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
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Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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