I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
