fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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