I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Come see our sink grown plant.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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