my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
