I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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