Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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