So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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