Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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