I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
