Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
