You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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