god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Well I just put wine in my tea
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
