that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
she pinky promised me she was 18
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
