I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
