I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
