You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
