Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
