I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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