Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
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